Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
