i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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