he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
