I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I think i got beer on your cat.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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