Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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