I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
