i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
