I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize