i was born a porn star she said
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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