I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
