I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
