that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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