Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
