She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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