remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Bring me that man meat
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
