My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
