Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
