I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
