Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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