theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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