My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
