Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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