i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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