Yo dont text me then not text me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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