so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
