I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I could fuck to npr.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
