Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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