It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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