This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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