I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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