you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
