Ambien. No doubt about it.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
