my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
