just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
