so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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