Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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