I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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