While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
