high people should be assigned attendants
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I am one with the molecules
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
