Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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