Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We left the knife in your bed.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
40s are totally the cure
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
