so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
