from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
