just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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