I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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