whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
It was confusing and full of hummus
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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