Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
This baby is an asshole
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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