I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
