Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
