That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
