So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
