My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Randomize
