Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
