i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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