it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
