I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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