I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
