When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
