$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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