There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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