i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
